The Ugly Truth

I knew it was bound to happen.  And today it finally did.  My optimistic outlook, my positive position, my strong stance against this raging disease--I have lost it all today.

Today, I'm just sad.  Today, I'm mad.  Pissed off really.  Today, I really LOATHE cancer.

Today, I've barely been able to get out of the bed because this poison (chemotherapy) is traveling thru my every vessel.  Today, I have cried ''why me'' and ''how did we get here'' more times than I've wanted to.  Today, after being gone camping all weekend, you both ran up to me to give me the biggest hugs, but I couldn't pick you up because my arms were too weak.  Today, when you asked me ''why are you lying down on the couch'' when it was time to play, I had to explain that the medicine has made Mommy really sick.  Tonight, you both begged me to wash and dry your hair (because Daddy just doesn't do it right) but I couldn't because I could not muster up enough energy.  Tonight, when you asked for one last snack, I couldn't go get it because I'm to weak to walk to the kitchen.

Today, I really LOATHE cancer.  Today, I'm mad because of what this cancer has taken away from me.  It has taken away my time, my energy, my ability to be the wife and mom I want to be.  It has dampened my spirit, changed my reality.  I want to pick you up and hold you like I did when you were little.  I want to get in the floor and play with you.  I want to wash and dry your hair and get your late night snacks.  I'm all too aware that I have taken all things for granted in the past.  And that makes me sad too.

I willingly give cancer my hair, my breasts, and other physical parts of my being that it wants.  But I will NOT let it take my heart.  So tomorrow, we begin again.  We fight again.  We fully trust that God will banish these demons; the physical, emotional, and mental demons.  I know that there are going to be days like today, days when I feel like cancer is reigning supreme over me.  Days when the self-pity is too much too bare.

But tomorrow is a new day...

Love you mostest--
Mommy

What is true beauty?

Oh my sweet girls, it has been a while since I have written.  As predicted, life hasn't stopped just because cancer has invaded our lives.  If anything, at times, we feel busier.  Our daily routines march on...school, work, dinner, family time, bath time, bed.  Throw in treatment days and doctors appointments, playdates and football games (Go Dawgs!!) and Fall is in fuller swing than usual!

I've had two treatments now and I must say, I felt good after the first one.  I was back at work after recuperating the weekend and was watching UGA beat South Carolina at Sanford Stadium a week after.  I was giving you baths at night and keeping my hearty (junkfood driven) appetite.  So I felt like I was crazy confident and ready for treatment #2.  Boy, was I wrong!  That one had me feeling much worse, in bed resting ALL weekend, feeling like every ounce of energy I had was being sucked out of me with a straw.  And it pushed the hair loss over the edge.  It started to fall out and was actually hurting my scalp...it physically hurt to run my hands thru it.  After two days, I had had enough.  You girls, along with Dad, helped my shave all my hair off.  And we had a great time doing it!  You both played with all the hair that we cut and we styled it crazy before shaving it really close.  We all laughed and had a great time with it--and seeing that losing my hair was absolutely no big deal to you two, made it absolutely no big deal to me.  I love that I can learn such powerful life lessons from you both, at seven and three years of age.  You both are so honest, with no filter (wonder where you got that from?) and neither of you seem bothered in the least that Mommy has no hair at the moment.  You ask me every morning which one of my fun hats I am going to wear today and I live to watch you trying them on and strutting around the house so proudly.

Here I am rocking one of my favorites to church...

And here I am tonight, feeling all G.I. Jane-ish (minus Demi's body)...

You both, along with your sweet sweet Daddy, tell me how beautiful I am everyday.  And you know what--I totally believe you!  It's not my ''outside look'' that makes me feel beautiful.  It's how I feel inside.  I feel raw, exposed, honest, open, confident that I will beat this cancer.  I feel peaceful, happy, and LOVED beyond words by Our Heavenly Father, by family, friends, and community.  

And this my sweet girls, it was true beauty is all about!

Let the treatment begin!

Well sweet girls, it has begun!  To say that Mommy and Daddy were nervous this week, would probably be an understatement.  We had been going to countless doctor's appointments, having a ton of tests, all in preparation for this week.  We met on Monday to establish our definitive treatment plan (which in kid terms means how we are going to kick this cancer's butt).  We decided that I would have chemotherapy first, to shrink the tumor, before having surgery to remove all of it!  So I will have Adriamycin and Cytoxan every two weeks, for two months.  Then Taxol weekly for 12 rounds.  These nasty medications will get rid of all of the cells that makes up Mommy's body, good and bad (you'll learn all about that in Anatomy and Physiology in HS).  All you need to know for now is that it will get rid of all the cancer cells too.  Since the medicine attacks all of my cells, it will make Mommy's hair fall out and will make me feel really tired.  The doctors say I will need to nap and rest a lot.

And so far, all mommy is feeling is tired.  I feel a little ''eurpy" from time to time but nothing that some medicine can't take care of.  I have taken naps every day but have still been able to do normal life.  I have given you both baths, I washed dishes, and did laundry.  We've gone to family and friends homes this weekend, I went grocery shopping, and have even read you books at night.  Most people would LOVE to get out of these chores, but all of these things make Mommy feel normal.  Keeping our daily routine makes me feel like we haven't had a huge disruption in our lives.

I must brag on you girls for a minute...you both have done amazingly well.  You have been understanding when I didn't feel like going to the HS football game and have played quietly when I needed to nap.  You are the reasons that Mommy and Daddy are fighting this with everything in our power.  I pray daily that God will provide you understanding and will place peace in your sweet hearts--and He has been answering ALL of our prayers in a BIG way!  We all have placed our absolute trust in Him and we know that He plans to completely heal me.  The picture below is of Taylor's diary entry (which she gave me permission to post).

My heart is swollen with pride--and love and admiration.  I have no words.  I am already seeing the ''good'' that is coming from my diagnosis.  And I love you both like 1,000 times more....

Mommy