Let's get it started...with a major haircut!

Let's get it started...and yes girls, that was a popular song in ole 2004, before both of you were born, by a group called the Black Eyed Peas, and of course you will ask me in the future, why would any band be named after a vegetable, to which I will have no answer.  But back to the song...let's get it started.  That's the theme for this week.

After an emotional roller coaster last week waiting on PET scan results, we found out the cancer is only in the breast and lymph nodes.  WooHoo!  I have never been so excited and relieved to have cancer (in only one place) in my life!  But please know girls, this was absolutely God's work at answering tons of prayers on our behalf.  As I have told you before, God knows Mommy's path start to finish and we are whole-heartily trusting in him for complete healing.

So now that we know the cancer has not spread, it was time to finalize the treatment plan.  Mommy will have chemo first (yucky medicine that is going to make me sick to make me better...and don't worry, even Mommy and Daddy don't understand it), then surgery (which will discuss in private in the future...if you know what I mean), then radiation (like the sun shining really bright on one spot to zap all that cancer away).  Mommy will need eight rounds of chemo--once every two weeks for two months, then once every three weeks for three months.  And it all begins THIS THURSDAY!  As you'll learn in your social media future, typing in all caps makes something seem really BIG and really REAL!  As with anything I do for the first time, Mommy is a little nervous because I don't know what to expect.  But once we get a couple of rounds under our belts, we will be old pros at this!

So to prepare for CHEMO THURSDAY (kind of dramatic don't you think?) and to embrace my ALL IN spirit, I did what I would have never done without having cancer.  I cut off all my hair.  And I mean, I cut off all my hair.  See this crazy long, hadn't done anything all summer because of the humidity, wear in pony tail almost every day, hair.  Taylor, I hope you will remember going with me, taking pictures and documenting the journey for me, and telling me at one point ''you like like Justin Beiber''.  I know I was so glad you were there with me for moral support...and of course, for comic relief too!  And I must say a huge thank you to my dear friend Holly, for the sweet present she left at the salon to calm my nerves!  And to my sweet, precious friend Jenny, who paid for my services without me knowing.  I have overwhelmed by you girls' (and so many countless others) generosity during this time!



I was able to donate my pre-chemo hair to Pantene to assist in making future wigs...and that totally rocked!!

And the big reveal............

Not too shabby if I do say so myself.  Gonna take a little time to get used to, but considering I will be losing my hair in about two-three weeks, I better become friends with it quick.  I must say, today's experience made this journey the most REAL so far.  But, I was overcome with calmness and love and peace and understanding while sitting in the salon chair today, preparing to lose all of what many women equate beauty to--our hair.  And I was looking in the mirror, I really--for the first time in a long time--saw my inner beauty shine through.  Although your Daddy and I see that in you girls everyday, my prayer for you both is that you will never equate beauty with outward appearances--hair, makeup, skin, heck--even breasts--but with the inner beauty that resides in your heart, your mind, and your soul.  The beauty that God placed there when making you in his image.  It has taken me almost 34 1/2 years AND a cancer diagnosis to see my inner beauty...and I must say, ''I'm one hot momma''!!

I love you mostest--Brooke

Have you ever felt scared?

Have you ever felt scared?  I mean, really scared and afraid?  Like something bad was going to happen and you didn't know why?  Like when the lights are out and you hear a funny noise? Have you ever felt nervous...so nervous that it felt like your tummy was turning upside down and all around?  Have you ever felt sad?  The kind of sad that makes you not want to get up in the morning and you just want to pout all day?  Sad that makes you cry, when you wish you didn't?

Have you ever felt those emotions?  Yeah--ME TOO!!  (And if you haven't yet, you will all too soon my sweet growing girls).  I've been feeling all these things this week.  You haven't seen me cry much these days, but believe me, I have!  I have cried for me and for Dad and for both of you.  I have cried in the bathroom when I hear you two playing and laughing right outside the door.  I have cried at work, when I know I can get it all out before I pick you both up from school.  I've cried in the car, in the shower, and in the quietness of my own heart.  I have cried because I don't want MY health to change YOUR lives.

I am slowly realizing the moments are good--therapeutic even--and are working to get me to where I need to be.  These doubts about having clear scans, or about treatment working, or about surgery going well, are getting me to where I NEED TO BE.  And where I NEED TO BE is FULLY--COMPLETELY--WHOLEHEARTEDLY trusting in God.  We talk about the three basic principles that you two learn each week at Athens Church and I need to be applying them to my life too.

•  God made me
•  God loves me
•  Jesus wants to be my friend

I, like you, need to remember that God made me.  God made me and knows my purpose, my path.  God made my heart and my soul and made my cancer.  God has known that I will be a Survivor long before I have.

God loves me, this I know (cute huh?).  I have never doubted for one second God's love me.  What I am now seeing is that God loves me so much, that he has CHOSEN me.  HAND-PICKED me.  As my recent daily devotion read, "You are walking along the path I have chosen for you.  It is both a privileged and a perilous way.''  As I work through all the emotional junk that comes along with cancer, I am seeing that it is a PRIVILEGE to be walking a path so closely to God.  (And it actually excites me!)  He has chosen me to a do a GREAT work in His name.  I pray that in your futures, you will feel that He has chosen you to do a GREAT work in His name.

Jesus wants to be my friend...(and I bet on my ugly emotionally charged junky days, he wishes someone else can take over friend duty).  However, Jesus has been my closest confidant (a Fancy Nancy word for friend) these past two weeks.  He hears every cry and concern of my heart, even when I don't speak them aloud.  He truly fought a much worse battle than cancer; making me realize that as human and flawed as I am, I can beat something like this.  Jesus paid the ultimate price...my price is fatigue, sickness, hair loss, and new breasts--Really, I think Jesus had it much worse than this ole gal does.

So girls, this long rant leads to this lesson that we will discuss SO MANY times in your lifetime.  It's okay to feel scared, afraid, nervous, anxious.  The key is to give these emotions to God and trust him.  ''When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me.  Speak out loud, if circumstances permit'' (Jesus Calling).

I am anxious about the PET scan results, but I trust in You that there will be no other cancer in this body.  I am scared that my girls will have not have a ''true'' childhood because of my cancer, but I trust in You that they will.  I am sad that your Daddy, your grandparents, our family, and friends have to do things for me and us that I would normally do, but I will trust in You that you will free me of the guilt I feel.  And I say it aloud, for all to hear.

I love you mostest--Mommy

Things I hope you don't remember and will never forget

Wow!  You girls have grown up so fast.  Taylor, you are seven and starting first grade--and you tell me daily that you are learning nothing in school because you already know it all.  And I know you do, because you are the smartest, most sensitive, caring, and side splitting funniest kid I know.  And you Finley--you are three and can talk more than any human I've ever met (even me!).  But you are kind, smart, funny, and you have a smile that lights up any room.  You two, along with your amazing father, are truly my ultimate blessings from God.  Everyone who knows you both, loves you...and anyone who meets you both, falls IN love with you.

I am writing these letters to you so that when you look back twenty years from now at your childhood, you will remember a few certain things--and hopefully forget some things too!  I want you to remember this time in your lives as the time our family loved beyond our means, a time when we leaned heavily on God's promises and trusted fully in his healing powers, when our network of friends truly expanded our definition of family, kindness and humanity, and a time when an entire community rallied to pray specifically for one thing--our family.

This week (August 15, 2013) I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I'll share the entire week's saga with you both over a really nice meal and several bottles of wine when you over 21.  But for now all you need to know is I found a lump in my breast, I had a mammogram and biopsy, and BOOM!!  I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  As you will realize when your older, we have absolutely no family history of CANCER, much less BREAST CANCER.  So this came as quite a shock to your Dad and me!  You also need to know to that as soon as word was out--the entire community (and I truly mean the entire community) put prayers into action that we are already seeing the results of.  And I want you both to know that prayer is the most powerful, peaceful, soul-filling act you could ever do.  And we can accomplish miracles through prayer and trust in God.  I meet with my oncologist this afternoon and my surgeon later this week to make a treatment plan to KICK THIS CANCER'S BUTT!  (by the way, you two have been running around the house all weekend, chanting ''Kick Cancer's Butt"--my heart is full every time I hear it, and you both just love finally being allowed to say the word butt!)

So, why am I doing this?  Well, it's much cheaper than therapy.  But seriously, I plan to use this blog as a way to document this journey with cancer FOR YOU!  I hope that when you are older, you are able to read these letters and will be able to remember the highlights--and the low lights--of what we endured as a FAMILY in a vividly candid way.  This is not just my journey, this is OUR journey!  This fight will have implications for both of your futures far beyond what any of us can imagine right now.  And I hope there are things you don't remember and will never forget...

I love you mostest--Mom