Bumps in the road

As you two girls are much aware, Mommy is a PLANNER!  I'm a list maker, a to-do-er, I still keep a leather bound written calendar (which is so before smartphones), and I have most of our days planned out to the minute.  But this whole cancer thing has really thrown a wrench in my ability to PLAN!  And I don't like it!  Not one bit!

This past week has proven especially hard in this department.  Last Thursday, on what would have been my seventh round of this 12 weekly round cycle, I wasn't able to get treatment because my white blood counts were too low.  I was frustrated and disappointed, and honestly shocked because I felt fine.  Not being able to get treatment last week meant that we had to add an additional treatment on to the end.  Well, being the planner I am, I had already focused my energy on Jan. 9--my last day of chemotherapy--and the mini-vacation I was planning for us that weekend.  I was focused on surgery coming two to three weeks after chemotherapy ends, then radiation after that.  I had already began mentally preparing to be cured by summer time.  I was planning a HUGE vacation this summer and thinking of all the things we were going to do together--since these past months have seemed to revolve around Cancer.  So, as you see, adding an additional week of treatment in January was not in my plans.  And it did not make me happy.  Not only did it delay treatment, it also meant that I had to be overly cautious to stay away from germs, as I was at great risk for infection.  No church, no big stores, no close contact with anyone I wasn't sure was well.  I basically stayed quarantined to the house last week, only going to work and doctors appointments (and being overly cautious there).  I had to wear a mask out in public--if that and the bald head doesn't scream cancer, I don't know what does.  The bad thing is, I felt pretty good.  So staying in and not having contact with others was especially hard when I felt good.

Last week we focused our prayers on having these counts increase so that I could receive treatment today.  Well, no such luck.  My counts still were low--a little higher than last week but still not optimal.  However, my doctor did not want to risk not having chemo for a second week and allowing the tumor to grow any, so I received a decreased dose of medication today (that means not the full dose recommended on my treatment plan).  My doctor is a little stumped as to why my counts aren't rebounding and why they seem to have bottomed out during the middle of this cycle.  We discussed today the possibility of having to stop chemotherapy all together right now, proceed with surgery sooner that we anticipated, then resuming the remainder of my treatment after surgery is completed.  I meet with my surgeon and with the plastic surgeon next week to discuss this option.

And what does this mean for me, Mrs. Planner, the to-do lister?  More plans completely changed from what I was originally focused on.  More frustration and feelings of helplessness and lack of control on my part.  More being quarantined to the house and staying away from those who might be carrying germs.  Don't doubt for a minute that I am not so thankful that the tumor is now small enough to possibly be surgically removed sooner that anticipated, but I'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around changing the course we first decided on.

As I rested after treatment today and sulked over my lack of control in this journey, I more than realized that these plans I have made, I have determined, I have focused on, need to be given over to God--COMPLETELY.  This new "bump in the road" are HIS plans for my journey, as He has already walked and prepared every step of this path for me.  He has already determined when I will get chemotherapy, when I will have surgery and radiation, and when I will be cured of this cancer.  The Lord makes it abundantly clear in Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". 

So I will relinquish my lack luster attempts at controlling this journey to Him and I will pray daily for the ability to do so.  I pray that Lord will bring me peace with my uncertainty, comfort for my frustration, wisdom for my medical team, and patience and perseverance for continuing and finishing this journey strong, while bringing glory to Him.

Today, I am thankful for bumps in the road, as they have returned my focus to the One whose focus is on me.

Thanksgiving and its new meaning in our lives

Oh girls, today is Thanksgiving.  And this year, of all years, it has taken on a new meaning in our household.  The Thanksgiving holiday has always been a time for us to reflect on our blessings from the past year, to spend quality time with extended family, and to eat lots of yummy food (along with a little Macy's Day Parade action).  This year, we will honor the true definition of Thanksgiving.  Webster defines thanksgiving as the expression of gratitude, especially to God.  And our family is full of thanksgiving this year.  God has provided for us, blessed us with, and outright loved and comforted us more this year than any other.  Hearing the words ''You have cancer" can emote the most negative of emotions in us.  But I say proudly say, three months in, that this diagnosis has been more of a blessing to our family than our most negative experiences.  Sure there are days that we are mad, we are sad, we don't want to get out of bed, or want to go to treatment.  But then, we pick ourselves up (or someone picks us up--God, family, friends, strangers) and we see God's face and grace in this midst of this storm.

So, today, we will give thanksgiving to God for this time in our lives, for changing our lives for the better, for continuing to heal me, and for blessing us beyond measure this year.  We are grateful to the many family, friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers who have showered us with love, support, and prayers during the last three months.  I've never felt so covered in love before...like a warm blanket wrapped around me on a cold day, like the warmth from the sun those first few days of Spring.  It has literally warmed me, from the inside out.  We've been so blessed to receive cards and letters, gifts that have been prayed over, calls and emails and facebook messages.  I've received donations of PTO at work--over 400 hours to be exact--from the most generous and selfless coworkers.  We received many monetary gifts to assist in my rising healthcare costs, including multiple fundraisers done in honor of our family.  We've had meals delivered and gift cards to restaurants given to us--heck, we came home to a pecan pie at our front door just yesterday!.  Our house has been cleaned every other week and our lawn has been kept up.  All of these things, done by family, friends, and strangers, who ask for absolutely nothing in return for their kindness and generosity.  Our lives are forever changed because of the compassion they've shown to us.  Daddy and I have vowed to lead a more purpose driven life--to be more generous and forthcoming with our money, time, and gifts to the community, especially those in need.  To be true servants to our fellow man, like our fellow men have been to us.  To be on the receiving end of such selflessness and kindness feels absolutely undeserving.  But I know all of these amazing blessings are poured out from the hand's of God.  Directly from heaven.  To comfort us, to provide peace within us, to promote healing and rest in this weary battle.

Today I am thankful for God's love and grace, for Jesus's sacrifice and peace, for an loving and selfless husband, for you two--my reasons to fight, for our loving family, for our supportive friends, for a school and church who prays daily for our family, and for a community who lifted us up in so many ways.  Today, I will express my gratitude, especially to God.

Love you both so much--Mommy

Marching On...a quick update

Well girls, it has been quite a while since I've updated this blog.  And that's because although cancer has invaded our family, our lives keep marching on.  You two go to school, play dates, and birthday parties.  Daddy and I go to work and doctors appointments.  We all go to church on Sundays and spend time with our extended family and friends when we can.

As you can see, life hasn't stopped just because Mommy has cancer.  And that's exactly the way Daddy and I want it to be.  We want things to remain as normal as possible for both of you.  We want you to look back on this time and your only memory of my illness be my bald head!

I have now finished the first cycle of treatment (four rounds of Adriamycin and Cytoxan).  Rounds three and four gave me a run for my money.  I spent several days in bed resting, waiting for my energy to return...while you spent several days with grandparents and having fun with friends.  I try my best to rest as much as I can while you both are away so that when you are home, we can enjoy time together as a family.  Lying around, resting, doesn't come natural to me--I've had to find ways to fill the time.  I have a stack of books but most days I feel to weak to read.  Pinterest is only interesting for the first 30 minutes of each day.  Daytime TV is terrible.  Luckily, I recently discovered Netflix (which is old news actually) and I watched the first two seasons of Scandal in three days.  That's right--29 episodes in three days.  I spent one day sleeping until 1 pm (which I haven't done since college).  But most days, I just spend time thinking, dreaming, allowing my mind to wander.  I pray often, openly sharing my thoughts, fears, desires with God.  This time has been such a growing time for my faith.  He has provided such a peace in my heart during this battle that only draws me nearer and nearer to Him.

So, what's up next?  I began my second cycle of treatment last Thursday (12 weekly rounds of Taxol).  So far, I haven't experienced any of the side effects that comes with it and I haven't had the extreme fatigue that I had with the other chemo.  I've actually felt closer to ''normal'' than I've felt in a long time.  Oh--and the best news is--the tumor continues to shrink!!  The medicine is working and doing exactly what we need it to.  It's exhilarating to see God's great work first hand!

And we will keep marching on...keeping life as routine and normal as possible for you two, as we continue to Kick this Cancer's Butt!!

The Ugly Truth

I knew it was bound to happen.  And today it finally did.  My optimistic outlook, my positive position, my strong stance against this raging disease--I have lost it all today.

Today, I'm just sad.  Today, I'm mad.  Pissed off really.  Today, I really LOATHE cancer.

Today, I've barely been able to get out of the bed because this poison (chemotherapy) is traveling thru my every vessel.  Today, I have cried ''why me'' and ''how did we get here'' more times than I've wanted to.  Today, after being gone camping all weekend, you both ran up to me to give me the biggest hugs, but I couldn't pick you up because my arms were too weak.  Today, when you asked me ''why are you lying down on the couch'' when it was time to play, I had to explain that the medicine has made Mommy really sick.  Tonight, you both begged me to wash and dry your hair (because Daddy just doesn't do it right) but I couldn't because I could not muster up enough energy.  Tonight, when you asked for one last snack, I couldn't go get it because I'm to weak to walk to the kitchen.

Today, I really LOATHE cancer.  Today, I'm mad because of what this cancer has taken away from me.  It has taken away my time, my energy, my ability to be the wife and mom I want to be.  It has dampened my spirit, changed my reality.  I want to pick you up and hold you like I did when you were little.  I want to get in the floor and play with you.  I want to wash and dry your hair and get your late night snacks.  I'm all too aware that I have taken all things for granted in the past.  And that makes me sad too.

I willingly give cancer my hair, my breasts, and other physical parts of my being that it wants.  But I will NOT let it take my heart.  So tomorrow, we begin again.  We fight again.  We fully trust that God will banish these demons; the physical, emotional, and mental demons.  I know that there are going to be days like today, days when I feel like cancer is reigning supreme over me.  Days when the self-pity is too much too bare.

But tomorrow is a new day...

Love you mostest--
Mommy

What is true beauty?

Oh my sweet girls, it has been a while since I have written.  As predicted, life hasn't stopped just because cancer has invaded our lives.  If anything, at times, we feel busier.  Our daily routines march on...school, work, dinner, family time, bath time, bed.  Throw in treatment days and doctors appointments, playdates and football games (Go Dawgs!!) and Fall is in fuller swing than usual!

I've had two treatments now and I must say, I felt good after the first one.  I was back at work after recuperating the weekend and was watching UGA beat South Carolina at Sanford Stadium a week after.  I was giving you baths at night and keeping my hearty (junkfood driven) appetite.  So I felt like I was crazy confident and ready for treatment #2.  Boy, was I wrong!  That one had me feeling much worse, in bed resting ALL weekend, feeling like every ounce of energy I had was being sucked out of me with a straw.  And it pushed the hair loss over the edge.  It started to fall out and was actually hurting my scalp...it physically hurt to run my hands thru it.  After two days, I had had enough.  You girls, along with Dad, helped my shave all my hair off.  And we had a great time doing it!  You both played with all the hair that we cut and we styled it crazy before shaving it really close.  We all laughed and had a great time with it--and seeing that losing my hair was absolutely no big deal to you two, made it absolutely no big deal to me.  I love that I can learn such powerful life lessons from you both, at seven and three years of age.  You both are so honest, with no filter (wonder where you got that from?) and neither of you seem bothered in the least that Mommy has no hair at the moment.  You ask me every morning which one of my fun hats I am going to wear today and I live to watch you trying them on and strutting around the house so proudly.

Here I am rocking one of my favorites to church...

And here I am tonight, feeling all G.I. Jane-ish (minus Demi's body)...

You both, along with your sweet sweet Daddy, tell me how beautiful I am everyday.  And you know what--I totally believe you!  It's not my ''outside look'' that makes me feel beautiful.  It's how I feel inside.  I feel raw, exposed, honest, open, confident that I will beat this cancer.  I feel peaceful, happy, and LOVED beyond words by Our Heavenly Father, by family, friends, and community.  

And this my sweet girls, it was true beauty is all about!

Let the treatment begin!

Well sweet girls, it has begun!  To say that Mommy and Daddy were nervous this week, would probably be an understatement.  We had been going to countless doctor's appointments, having a ton of tests, all in preparation for this week.  We met on Monday to establish our definitive treatment plan (which in kid terms means how we are going to kick this cancer's butt).  We decided that I would have chemotherapy first, to shrink the tumor, before having surgery to remove all of it!  So I will have Adriamycin and Cytoxan every two weeks, for two months.  Then Taxol weekly for 12 rounds.  These nasty medications will get rid of all of the cells that makes up Mommy's body, good and bad (you'll learn all about that in Anatomy and Physiology in HS).  All you need to know for now is that it will get rid of all the cancer cells too.  Since the medicine attacks all of my cells, it will make Mommy's hair fall out and will make me feel really tired.  The doctors say I will need to nap and rest a lot.

And so far, all mommy is feeling is tired.  I feel a little ''eurpy" from time to time but nothing that some medicine can't take care of.  I have taken naps every day but have still been able to do normal life.  I have given you both baths, I washed dishes, and did laundry.  We've gone to family and friends homes this weekend, I went grocery shopping, and have even read you books at night.  Most people would LOVE to get out of these chores, but all of these things make Mommy feel normal.  Keeping our daily routine makes me feel like we haven't had a huge disruption in our lives.

I must brag on you girls for a minute...you both have done amazingly well.  You have been understanding when I didn't feel like going to the HS football game and have played quietly when I needed to nap.  You are the reasons that Mommy and Daddy are fighting this with everything in our power.  I pray daily that God will provide you understanding and will place peace in your sweet hearts--and He has been answering ALL of our prayers in a BIG way!  We all have placed our absolute trust in Him and we know that He plans to completely heal me.  The picture below is of Taylor's diary entry (which she gave me permission to post).

My heart is swollen with pride--and love and admiration.  I have no words.  I am already seeing the ''good'' that is coming from my diagnosis.  And I love you both like 1,000 times more....

Mommy

Let's get it started...with a major haircut!

Let's get it started...and yes girls, that was a popular song in ole 2004, before both of you were born, by a group called the Black Eyed Peas, and of course you will ask me in the future, why would any band be named after a vegetable, to which I will have no answer.  But back to the song...let's get it started.  That's the theme for this week.

After an emotional roller coaster last week waiting on PET scan results, we found out the cancer is only in the breast and lymph nodes.  WooHoo!  I have never been so excited and relieved to have cancer (in only one place) in my life!  But please know girls, this was absolutely God's work at answering tons of prayers on our behalf.  As I have told you before, God knows Mommy's path start to finish and we are whole-heartily trusting in him for complete healing.

So now that we know the cancer has not spread, it was time to finalize the treatment plan.  Mommy will have chemo first (yucky medicine that is going to make me sick to make me better...and don't worry, even Mommy and Daddy don't understand it), then surgery (which will discuss in private in the future...if you know what I mean), then radiation (like the sun shining really bright on one spot to zap all that cancer away).  Mommy will need eight rounds of chemo--once every two weeks for two months, then once every three weeks for three months.  And it all begins THIS THURSDAY!  As you'll learn in your social media future, typing in all caps makes something seem really BIG and really REAL!  As with anything I do for the first time, Mommy is a little nervous because I don't know what to expect.  But once we get a couple of rounds under our belts, we will be old pros at this!

So to prepare for CHEMO THURSDAY (kind of dramatic don't you think?) and to embrace my ALL IN spirit, I did what I would have never done without having cancer.  I cut off all my hair.  And I mean, I cut off all my hair.  See this crazy long, hadn't done anything all summer because of the humidity, wear in pony tail almost every day, hair.  Taylor, I hope you will remember going with me, taking pictures and documenting the journey for me, and telling me at one point ''you like like Justin Beiber''.  I know I was so glad you were there with me for moral support...and of course, for comic relief too!  And I must say a huge thank you to my dear friend Holly, for the sweet present she left at the salon to calm my nerves!  And to my sweet, precious friend Jenny, who paid for my services without me knowing.  I have overwhelmed by you girls' (and so many countless others) generosity during this time!



I was able to donate my pre-chemo hair to Pantene to assist in making future wigs...and that totally rocked!!

And the big reveal............

Not too shabby if I do say so myself.  Gonna take a little time to get used to, but considering I will be losing my hair in about two-three weeks, I better become friends with it quick.  I must say, today's experience made this journey the most REAL so far.  But, I was overcome with calmness and love and peace and understanding while sitting in the salon chair today, preparing to lose all of what many women equate beauty to--our hair.  And I was looking in the mirror, I really--for the first time in a long time--saw my inner beauty shine through.  Although your Daddy and I see that in you girls everyday, my prayer for you both is that you will never equate beauty with outward appearances--hair, makeup, skin, heck--even breasts--but with the inner beauty that resides in your heart, your mind, and your soul.  The beauty that God placed there when making you in his image.  It has taken me almost 34 1/2 years AND a cancer diagnosis to see my inner beauty...and I must say, ''I'm one hot momma''!!

I love you mostest--Brooke

Have you ever felt scared?

Have you ever felt scared?  I mean, really scared and afraid?  Like something bad was going to happen and you didn't know why?  Like when the lights are out and you hear a funny noise? Have you ever felt nervous...so nervous that it felt like your tummy was turning upside down and all around?  Have you ever felt sad?  The kind of sad that makes you not want to get up in the morning and you just want to pout all day?  Sad that makes you cry, when you wish you didn't?

Have you ever felt those emotions?  Yeah--ME TOO!!  (And if you haven't yet, you will all too soon my sweet growing girls).  I've been feeling all these things this week.  You haven't seen me cry much these days, but believe me, I have!  I have cried for me and for Dad and for both of you.  I have cried in the bathroom when I hear you two playing and laughing right outside the door.  I have cried at work, when I know I can get it all out before I pick you both up from school.  I've cried in the car, in the shower, and in the quietness of my own heart.  I have cried because I don't want MY health to change YOUR lives.

I am slowly realizing the moments are good--therapeutic even--and are working to get me to where I need to be.  These doubts about having clear scans, or about treatment working, or about surgery going well, are getting me to where I NEED TO BE.  And where I NEED TO BE is FULLY--COMPLETELY--WHOLEHEARTEDLY trusting in God.  We talk about the three basic principles that you two learn each week at Athens Church and I need to be applying them to my life too.

•  God made me
•  God loves me
•  Jesus wants to be my friend

I, like you, need to remember that God made me.  God made me and knows my purpose, my path.  God made my heart and my soul and made my cancer.  God has known that I will be a Survivor long before I have.

God loves me, this I know (cute huh?).  I have never doubted for one second God's love me.  What I am now seeing is that God loves me so much, that he has CHOSEN me.  HAND-PICKED me.  As my recent daily devotion read, "You are walking along the path I have chosen for you.  It is both a privileged and a perilous way.''  As I work through all the emotional junk that comes along with cancer, I am seeing that it is a PRIVILEGE to be walking a path so closely to God.  (And it actually excites me!)  He has chosen me to a do a GREAT work in His name.  I pray that in your futures, you will feel that He has chosen you to do a GREAT work in His name.

Jesus wants to be my friend...(and I bet on my ugly emotionally charged junky days, he wishes someone else can take over friend duty).  However, Jesus has been my closest confidant (a Fancy Nancy word for friend) these past two weeks.  He hears every cry and concern of my heart, even when I don't speak them aloud.  He truly fought a much worse battle than cancer; making me realize that as human and flawed as I am, I can beat something like this.  Jesus paid the ultimate price...my price is fatigue, sickness, hair loss, and new breasts--Really, I think Jesus had it much worse than this ole gal does.

So girls, this long rant leads to this lesson that we will discuss SO MANY times in your lifetime.  It's okay to feel scared, afraid, nervous, anxious.  The key is to give these emotions to God and trust him.  ''When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me.  Speak out loud, if circumstances permit'' (Jesus Calling).

I am anxious about the PET scan results, but I trust in You that there will be no other cancer in this body.  I am scared that my girls will have not have a ''true'' childhood because of my cancer, but I trust in You that they will.  I am sad that your Daddy, your grandparents, our family, and friends have to do things for me and us that I would normally do, but I will trust in You that you will free me of the guilt I feel.  And I say it aloud, for all to hear.

I love you mostest--Mommy

Things I hope you don't remember and will never forget

Wow!  You girls have grown up so fast.  Taylor, you are seven and starting first grade--and you tell me daily that you are learning nothing in school because you already know it all.  And I know you do, because you are the smartest, most sensitive, caring, and side splitting funniest kid I know.  And you Finley--you are three and can talk more than any human I've ever met (even me!).  But you are kind, smart, funny, and you have a smile that lights up any room.  You two, along with your amazing father, are truly my ultimate blessings from God.  Everyone who knows you both, loves you...and anyone who meets you both, falls IN love with you.

I am writing these letters to you so that when you look back twenty years from now at your childhood, you will remember a few certain things--and hopefully forget some things too!  I want you to remember this time in your lives as the time our family loved beyond our means, a time when we leaned heavily on God's promises and trusted fully in his healing powers, when our network of friends truly expanded our definition of family, kindness and humanity, and a time when an entire community rallied to pray specifically for one thing--our family.

This week (August 15, 2013) I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I'll share the entire week's saga with you both over a really nice meal and several bottles of wine when you over 21.  But for now all you need to know is I found a lump in my breast, I had a mammogram and biopsy, and BOOM!!  I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  As you will realize when your older, we have absolutely no family history of CANCER, much less BREAST CANCER.  So this came as quite a shock to your Dad and me!  You also need to know to that as soon as word was out--the entire community (and I truly mean the entire community) put prayers into action that we are already seeing the results of.  And I want you both to know that prayer is the most powerful, peaceful, soul-filling act you could ever do.  And we can accomplish miracles through prayer and trust in God.  I meet with my oncologist this afternoon and my surgeon later this week to make a treatment plan to KICK THIS CANCER'S BUTT!  (by the way, you two have been running around the house all weekend, chanting ''Kick Cancer's Butt"--my heart is full every time I hear it, and you both just love finally being allowed to say the word butt!)

So, why am I doing this?  Well, it's much cheaper than therapy.  But seriously, I plan to use this blog as a way to document this journey with cancer FOR YOU!  I hope that when you are older, you are able to read these letters and will be able to remember the highlights--and the low lights--of what we endured as a FAMILY in a vividly candid way.  This is not just my journey, this is OUR journey!  This fight will have implications for both of your futures far beyond what any of us can imagine right now.  And I hope there are things you don't remember and will never forget...

I love you mostest--Mom