I knew it was bound to happen. And today it finally did. My optimistic outlook, my positive position, my strong stance against this raging disease--I have lost it all today.
Today, I'm just sad. Today, I'm mad. Pissed off really. Today, I really LOATHE cancer.
Today, I've barely been able to get out of the bed because this poison (chemotherapy) is traveling thru my every vessel. Today, I have cried ''why me'' and ''how did we get here'' more times than I've wanted to. Today, after being gone camping all weekend, you both ran up to me to give me the biggest hugs, but I couldn't pick you up because my arms were too weak. Today, when you asked me ''why are you lying down on the couch'' when it was time to play, I had to explain that the medicine has made Mommy really sick. Tonight, you both begged me to wash and dry your hair (because Daddy just doesn't do it right) but I couldn't because I could not muster up enough energy. Tonight, when you asked for one last snack, I couldn't go get it because I'm to weak to walk to the kitchen.
Today, I really LOATHE cancer. Today, I'm mad because of what this cancer has taken away from me. It has taken away my time, my energy, my ability to be the wife and mom I want to be. It has dampened my spirit, changed my reality. I want to pick you up and hold you like I did when you were little. I want to get in the floor and play with you. I want to wash and dry your hair and get your late night snacks. I'm all too aware that I have taken all things for granted in the past. And that makes me sad too.
I willingly give cancer my hair, my breasts, and other physical parts of my being that it wants. But I will NOT let it take my heart. So tomorrow, we begin again. We fight again. We fully trust that God will banish these demons; the physical, emotional, and mental demons. I know that there are going to be days like today, days when I feel like cancer is reigning supreme over me. Days when the self-pity is too much too bare.
But tomorrow is a new day...
Love you mostest--
Mommy
Brooke,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you have had such a weekend. I will pray specifically for strength, energy, and renewed spirit for you. You are a fighter with lots of family and friends cheering you on as you battle this beast we call cancer, but know it doesn't stand a chance when you fight with God.
Love you lots,
Brooke Box
Hang in there and keep your head high. Makes me so sad to read these things bc people really do take them for granted and they dont realize its the little things that matter most. If I could take it all away I would. Sometimes I seat and read all the cancers breast milk can take away and if they would just use it in science I would donate all I have left just to help the amazing people like u. :) u are strong and u will have more days like today but having more better days makes up for these evil ones. :) good luck with today and we are all pulling for u.
ReplyDeleteBrooke,
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks as I read what the chemo is doing to your body. Praying for healing, strength, and that God will give you just what you need to get through each and every day.
Praying for you daily,
Teresa
Words leave my mind right now as my heart grieves for you. There actually are no words that I could say to make it better, but I'll sure the hell try! You are the strongest (most stubborn) lady I know. YOU GOT THIS! You are over 1/2 way finished with these strong rounds of tx & you have rocked it! We have all witnessed your strength & determination (ESPECIALLY those sweet girls)! Give your body the rest it's demanding right now & know that soon these strong rounds of chemo will be behind you. I love you, I love you & wish I were closer. I pray that you were able to wake up this morning feeling better. TEAM BROOKE! My heart is with you, Lori
ReplyDeleteOh Brooke - how I am lifting you up as I read this. I don't even know you - but I know this disease. On October 26 - I will celebrate 17 years since a doctor flung those words at me.
ReplyDeleteI pray brave lady --- I how I pray. For you - your precious children - your family and friends and your medical team.
Many prayers and much love.
Brooke, I haven't seen you in a really long time, but I babysat you some when you were little. Your dad coached me basketball and softball so I was around you quite a bit. You were always such a sweet, special child. You were also very strong and it seems you have only grown in courage. I can't imagine how hard and heartbreaking every word you write is, but I admire you very much and there is no telling how many women and children you are unselfishly inpspiring and comforting.
ReplyDelete