This past week has proven especially hard in this department. Last Thursday, on what would have been my seventh round of this 12 weekly round cycle, I wasn't able to get treatment because my white blood counts were too low. I was frustrated and disappointed, and honestly shocked because I felt fine. Not being able to get treatment last week meant that we had to add an additional treatment on to the end. Well, being the planner I am, I had already focused my energy on Jan. 9--my last day of chemotherapy--and the mini-vacation I was planning for us that weekend. I was focused on surgery coming two to three weeks after chemotherapy ends, then radiation after that. I had already began mentally preparing to be cured by summer time. I was planning a HUGE vacation this summer and thinking of all the things we were going to do together--since these past months have seemed to revolve around Cancer. So, as you see, adding an additional week of treatment in January was not in my plans. And it did not make me happy. Not only did it delay treatment, it also meant that I had to be overly cautious to stay away from germs, as I was at great risk for infection. No church, no big stores, no close contact with anyone I wasn't sure was well. I basically stayed quarantined to the house last week, only going to work and doctors appointments (and being overly cautious there). I had to wear a mask out in public--if that and the bald head doesn't scream cancer, I don't know what does. The bad thing is, I felt pretty good. So staying in and not having contact with others was especially hard when I felt good.
Last week we focused our prayers on having these counts increase so that I could receive treatment today. Well, no such luck. My counts still were low--a little higher than last week but still not optimal. However, my doctor did not want to risk not having chemo for a second week and allowing the tumor to grow any, so I received a decreased dose of medication today (that means not the full dose recommended on my treatment plan). My doctor is a little stumped as to why my counts aren't rebounding and why they seem to have bottomed out during the middle of this cycle. We discussed today the possibility of having to stop chemotherapy all together right now, proceed with surgery sooner that we anticipated, then resuming the remainder of my treatment after surgery is completed. I meet with my surgeon and with the plastic surgeon next week to discuss this option.
And what does this mean for me, Mrs. Planner, the to-do lister? More plans completely changed from what I was originally focused on. More frustration and feelings of helplessness and lack of control on my part. More being quarantined to the house and staying away from those who might be carrying germs. Don't doubt for a minute that I am not so thankful that the tumor is now small enough to possibly be surgically removed sooner that anticipated, but I'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around changing the course we first decided on.
As I rested after treatment today and sulked over my lack of control in this journey, I more than realized that these plans I have made, I have determined, I have focused on, need to be given over to God--COMPLETELY. This new "bump in the road" are HIS plans for my journey, as He has already walked and prepared every step of this path for me. He has already determined when I will get chemotherapy, when I will have surgery and radiation, and when I will be cured of this cancer. The Lord makes it abundantly clear in Jeremiah 29:11:
- "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
So I will relinquish my lack luster attempts at controlling this journey to Him and I will pray daily for the ability to do so. I pray that Lord will bring me peace with my uncertainty, comfort for my frustration, wisdom for my medical team, and patience and perseverance for continuing and finishing this journey strong, while bringing glory to Him.
Today, I am thankful for bumps in the road, as they have returned my focus to the One whose focus is on me.
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