Get me off this roller coaster!

Surgery is complete.  Double mastectomy with left side lymph node removal and tissue expander placement.  Three weeks ago today.  I haven't written because honestly, the past three weeks have been an emotional and physical roller coaster--one that I want off of.  Dr. G had warned me that I would feel like I had been hit by a truck for a week (yes), then see physical improvement by 10 days (yes), and be out and about in public some by 14 days (yes).  He also warned me that the journey after surgery seemed to take more of an emotional toll on women than physical (yes, yes, and yes).  When he said it, I thought ''Not me.  I've got a great outlook and positive attitude about this.  I have a peace from my Heavenly Father that makes me confident that I will beat this cancer''.  I am improving everyday physically, but I am now realizing that this surgery has shaken me to my emotional core.  A place I haven't been to in a long time.

Here's my disclaimer:  I want to be raw and honest about my feelings so that when you both are old enough to understand, you have a true sense of what I went thru and what we endured as a family.  

I've cried almost every day since my surgery.  I feel mad, I feel sad, I feel relieved, I feel pissed off.  I am truly grieving the person I was and the family we were before this cancer diagnosis.  (My feelings honestly have nothing to do with my physical changes--I was never attached to my chest in any way.  They provided nutrition for you both early in your lives but that was about it!)  I spend time thinking ''how did we get here?''  When I think back to when I married your Dad almost 10 years ago, I felt so carefree about life.  So happy.  So untouchable.  When we had you Taylor, those feelings of happiness and love just multiplied.  And after two heartbreaking miscarriages, when Finley finally finished off our family, I truly felt complete.  I felt like God had reached down with his own hands and blessed us immensely...once again, deeming our perfect family of four untouchable.

Sure, we have had some trails and challenges along the way.  We endured a financial crisis when the housing market crashed (I'm sure there will be something about that in your history books in high school).  Then, your Dad's seizures, plus his inability to drive for nine months.  But even in the midst of these challenges, and especially once we ''reached the other side'', I felt overly blessed, happy, untouchable.

Now, I just feel...EMOTIONAL.  So many different types of emotion that I can't say just one.  I feel sad that you girls have to witness your mother fight cancer.  I feel fortunate that right now you are both too young to understand the magnitude of this disease.  I feel guilty that your Dad and grandparents (along with other family and friends) have to pick up my slack in the daily care giving department.  I feel frustrated that I have had to be so dependent on others during my recovery from surgery.  I feel thankful that the cancer is finally out of my body.  I feel tired and exhausted of this journey and I have a ''stomp my feet, I don't wanna'' temper tantrum attitude about having to start radiation.  I feel grateful that God allows to wake up every day and see your smiling faces.  And sometimes I feel so emotional, that I go back to bed after you both leave for school and don't get back up until you come home.  If I am being totally honest with myself and with you both, I've gotten good at pretending things are okay--especially in front of you!

So, now we've been touched.  Touched and changed by breast cancer.  I have been forever changed.  Our family of four has been forever changed.  For the better and for the worse.  But like I have said so many times on this journey, the blessings that have come from this diagnosis have far outweighed the burdens.  I am confident that six months or a year from now when we've ''reached the other side'', I will again feel overly blessed and happy again.  But in this moment, I would really love to get off this roller coaster!

Love you the mostest--Mommy