Have you ever felt scared?

Have you ever felt scared?  I mean, really scared and afraid?  Like something bad was going to happen and you didn't know why?  Like when the lights are out and you hear a funny noise? Have you ever felt nervous...so nervous that it felt like your tummy was turning upside down and all around?  Have you ever felt sad?  The kind of sad that makes you not want to get up in the morning and you just want to pout all day?  Sad that makes you cry, when you wish you didn't?

Have you ever felt those emotions?  Yeah--ME TOO!!  (And if you haven't yet, you will all too soon my sweet growing girls).  I've been feeling all these things this week.  You haven't seen me cry much these days, but believe me, I have!  I have cried for me and for Dad and for both of you.  I have cried in the bathroom when I hear you two playing and laughing right outside the door.  I have cried at work, when I know I can get it all out before I pick you both up from school.  I've cried in the car, in the shower, and in the quietness of my own heart.  I have cried because I don't want MY health to change YOUR lives.

I am slowly realizing the moments are good--therapeutic even--and are working to get me to where I need to be.  These doubts about having clear scans, or about treatment working, or about surgery going well, are getting me to where I NEED TO BE.  And where I NEED TO BE is FULLY--COMPLETELY--WHOLEHEARTEDLY trusting in God.  We talk about the three basic principles that you two learn each week at Athens Church and I need to be applying them to my life too.

•  God made me
•  God loves me
•  Jesus wants to be my friend

I, like you, need to remember that God made me.  God made me and knows my purpose, my path.  God made my heart and my soul and made my cancer.  God has known that I will be a Survivor long before I have.

God loves me, this I know (cute huh?).  I have never doubted for one second God's love me.  What I am now seeing is that God loves me so much, that he has CHOSEN me.  HAND-PICKED me.  As my recent daily devotion read, "You are walking along the path I have chosen for you.  It is both a privileged and a perilous way.''  As I work through all the emotional junk that comes along with cancer, I am seeing that it is a PRIVILEGE to be walking a path so closely to God.  (And it actually excites me!)  He has chosen me to a do a GREAT work in His name.  I pray that in your futures, you will feel that He has chosen you to do a GREAT work in His name.

Jesus wants to be my friend...(and I bet on my ugly emotionally charged junky days, he wishes someone else can take over friend duty).  However, Jesus has been my closest confidant (a Fancy Nancy word for friend) these past two weeks.  He hears every cry and concern of my heart, even when I don't speak them aloud.  He truly fought a much worse battle than cancer; making me realize that as human and flawed as I am, I can beat something like this.  Jesus paid the ultimate price...my price is fatigue, sickness, hair loss, and new breasts--Really, I think Jesus had it much worse than this ole gal does.

So girls, this long rant leads to this lesson that we will discuss SO MANY times in your lifetime.  It's okay to feel scared, afraid, nervous, anxious.  The key is to give these emotions to God and trust him.  ''When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me.  Speak out loud, if circumstances permit'' (Jesus Calling).

I am anxious about the PET scan results, but I trust in You that there will be no other cancer in this body.  I am scared that my girls will have not have a ''true'' childhood because of my cancer, but I trust in You that they will.  I am sad that your Daddy, your grandparents, our family, and friends have to do things for me and us that I would normally do, but I will trust in You that you will free me of the guilt I feel.  And I say it aloud, for all to hear.

I love you mostest--Mommy